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Quotes by my friends and myself.

I've decided to become a pessimist -- being a realist is too depressing.

Clarity doesn't breed poetry

Life Sucks.

Incompetent people would suck -- but they can't.

Mocking me isn't even cool.

You need help. I already have help.

Life is a mystery...and I love research!

Who here has a life?

Revenge is an art, and you are not yet cultured.

Creative? If she were creative she'd give herself a make-over.

The most beautiful dream is always forgotten.

We all want someone to hold us and tell us everything's going to be ok, but what if it's not going to be ok?

We are only strong in comparison to others.

The smart money says that women kick butt.

Adaptation. We need it to survive. Learn from the Borg. The good stuff, not the mass genocide.

I love my parents very much in a get the hell away from me sort of way.

Friend: Man, I'd do anything she told me to!
Me: She'd probably tell us to leave.

Me: It's just a matter of dividing what i know about her. Is she the type of girl who would put the poison into her own goblet, or her man's?
Friend: I'd like to think she'd throw the poison, gulp the wine, jump in my lap, and we exit stage left.

It's all about the ass.

It's all a means to an ass.

I don't mind if a girl is anal, as long as it's a good anal.

Are you extremely ugly? So much so that people would pay to avoid having sex with you? Then you too could have a lucrative career as a reverse prostitute!

Christianity has perverted so many simple pleasures.

You pay the prostitute to leave.

Laughter is everything. It's the opposite of suicide.

I'm re-sizing a window on my pants! (said while playing with an optical mouse)

Get in touch with your inner bitch. Tap deep wells of cunning cruelty.

Life's a bitch. It takes one to know one.

Me: Ashley and I are going to sell our babies.
Friend: erm, that must be profitable.
Me: Oh, we're not doing it for the money...

My parents are so quick to judge that if they met God they would change religions.

Me: I really liked the idea of a breeding program in the Dune series.
Friend: Yeah, I want to start one.
Me: Well I don't think anyone would want your genes.

Me: Did I tell you I have an original Nintendo?
Female Friend: Wow! Will you go on a date with me!?
Me: ...I doubt your motives, but not your attractiveness. Yes.

Older Friend: Who's your daddy!?
Me: Probably you.
Older Friend: Shutup!

The best view known to man. (Down the cleavage)

If your parents are odd, then mine are prime.

Me: Can you explain what this means to me? Quickly? "You could geek my ass under the table."
Friend: It's like "drink my ass under the table."
Friend: Only, rather than both drinking until one of you collapses into unconsciousness
Friend: You both try to be geekier than the other
Friend: She's implying that in such a contest, you would win.
Friend: ...And you're disgusting for even thinking that.
Me: well *shit*.
Me: Yah. Nice try ;-)

And now you're going to die with that stupid hat on your head!